People, I believe the time has come. After
travelling nearly half a million miles around
this grand country of ours in performance of my
comedic duties, I have seen Halls of Fame devoted
to damn near every subject imaginable: Boy Scouts,
barbeque, rock 'n' roll, country music, rodeo,
hell-- even bowling has it's own Hall of Fame. I
think we, the road comedy community, have been in
business long enough and have generated the history
and personalities necessary to open the Road Comic
Hall of Fame, Theme Park and Substance Abuse Center.
The hall and park will give patrons a glimpse into
the lives of real road comedians. The Hall will be
devoted to touring comedy acts of all kinds, living,
dead or living dead. The "Substance Abuse
Center" is just a funny name for the adjoining
4-star hotel. Road comics will stay at the hotel for
free and will be brought to the park by limo. Visiting
club owners will stay in a filthy, crack house apartment
complex on the other side of town. They will ride to the
park in the doorman's beat up Ford Festiva, the
one that overheats and stalls right in the middle of a
bad neighborhood known for narcotics sales and gang
activity. Just like being a real comedian!
The exhibits would include:
Famous Road Act Paraphernalia Exhibit-- Would include
a Gallagher mallet, a pair of Rick Rockwell's fire
pants, Pauly Shore's "Weasel" outfit. A
foot locker full of Carrot Top toys, a Jalapeno on a
stick, Chuck Wood, Heywood Banks' toaster, A Tim Wilson
CD, Felicia Michaels' Playboy pictorial. A Mark Cordes
"Betty Ford" hat. Actual bulldozer used to
clear the stage after an Amazing Jonathan show. In a
holy place would be displayed the guitar that a
disgruntled comic broke over that heckler's head
during a show in Shreveport, LA, as well
as the grainy videotape of the event.
The Comedy Hypnotism Exhibit-- Would show about 15
seconds of footage of a guy convinced the woman seated
next to him has broken particularly foul wind.
That should be about enough of that crap.
The Penn and Teller exhibit would have an attraction
where a visitor could stick his head through a cutout
of Penn Jilette and try to catch a real bullet in
his teeth, fired by someone being ejected from the
saloon. Fun for the whole family!
The Restaurant-- Would serve Condo Burgers (hold the
mayo!), Emcee Ramen Noodles, pretzels, delivered
pizza, Subway sandwiches. Comics would be charged
full price for food, and would be cut off after two
beers, just like in the comedy clubs! And don't
even think about dating the waitresses or you'll
be gone so fast your head will spin!
The "Talk To A Booker" Exhibit-- Museum
patrons can dial the number of any club booker in
the country and be immediately put on hold, listening
to some guitar act sing fart songs for as long as the
dumbass will hold the phone to his/her ear.
The Condo Exhibit-- Cut away of a seedy, post show
comedy condo. Headliner is back in his room smoking
crack with the door shut, while the emcee tries to
feel up a drunk fat chick on his bed/living room
couch. Feature act attempts to get the pizza delivery
guy at the door to take show passes instead of cash
for the pizza. Crack whores lurk in the street
outside.
The Comedians Daydream Exhibit-- Exhibit of road comedian
fantasies, hopes and dreams. Sitting on the couch on
a Carson-era Tonight Show spot, receiving a Grammy
for Best Spoken Word Album. Dating Vegas strippers.
Urinating from the stage onto the head of a drunk,
rude, loudmouthed bachelorette wearing the condom
shirt and penis visor. Snipers in balcony picking
off patrons using cell phones during the show, loud
waitresses, and emcee's going over their time.
The Road Car Exhibit- An actual vehicle used by a road
dog comic as both transportation and housing. Fumigated,
deloused, and inspected by the Center for Disease
Control, of course. Duct tape interior. Doughnut
spare tire in use, passenger side seat modified to
go all the way back for roadside park sleeping, trunk
wired shut because it's been broken into so many times
the lock can no longer be fixed. Clinton/Gore bumper
sticker proudly covering the rust spot near where the
rear bumper used to be.
The Amusement Ride-- Mr. Drunken Cook's Wild Van Ride. This
ride runs only once a day, at 5:30 in the morning.
The cook from the club, still drunk from the night
before, will take only the bravest of park visitors on
a wild ride through city streets in his filthy, beat up
van to do a two-minute radio spot on some obscure AM radio
station with the morning crew, Stupid Bob and Animal.
Upon exiting the broadcast booth, riders will be given a
cracked "Stupid Bob and Animal" coffee cup and
a Weird Al Yankovich CD, for which the cook will immediately
begin negotiations, using a smashed out joint and a
half-eaten pimento cheese sandwich as bait. On the ride
back to the condo, stops will be made by the drunken
cook at the local crack house, his mama's house, his
brother's pit bull farm, the bank drive-thru to get the
money to go make a tattoo payment, before finally
dropping "comics" back at the comedy crib
around noon.
Opening in a strip mall near you soon.
See ya on the road,
Kid Dave
|
