I turned 42 years old this week. I know, I know, but I don't
live in LA, so I can give my real age. Anyway, I went to one
of those internet sites where you answer some questions about
your lifestyle and they tell you how old your body really is.
Unless there are a couple of misplaced decimal points in the
"beer and cheeseburgers consumed" portion of the
equation, I'm tooling around in the body of a 117-year-old man.
Swell. When I die, the cause of death on the coroner's report
will read "Whoppers. Lots of `em." When you hit your
forties, and realize your life is more than likely at least
half over, you start to question what you've been doing and
why you've been doing it. Must be that Puritanical work ethic
this country is so famous for that makes me feel a little
guilty I'm not putting in 40+ hours a week as a cog in a
corporate machine somewhere like everybody else my age in
America. Then I'll see a news story about Enron employees
who busted their butts for years only to get screwed out of
their life savings, and I feel much better about myself.
Comedy on the road for 13 years. Most marriages don't last
that long. I know mine didn't. Why would someone spend 13
years in comedy clubs on the road unless they were on the run
from the law? Sure, it's been fun, but what was accomplished?
I don't really have any money to speak of. Damn few people
get rich or famous doing standup in clubs on the road.
No benefits, no paid vacation, no retirement plan. Little
or no upward mobility in this business. The road comic isn't
in one place long enough to have any semblance of a normal
life. I can't even have a dog for crying out loud. I'm
single again. Yee haw. Going home to an empty house is
about as much fun as watching open mike comics. Why do I
continue to put myself through this? The only explanation
I can come up with is that I do comedy on the road because
I love it. I like the creative outlet. I like being
self-employed, the freedom of answering to no one, and doing
what I want, when I want. Still, sometimes you wonder "Am
I doing the right thing with my life?" When I get in
one of these moods I like to read the words of a kindred
free spirit and non conformist extraordinaire who lived
outside the mainstream many years ago; Henry David Thoreau.
The guy reveled in the fact that he never had regular jobs,
never accumulate much material stuff. The phrase "Gettest
thou a job!" was invented just for him. He just wanted
to live his life. Is that cooler than a Johnny Quest lunchbox
or what? Below are some of my favorite Hank Thoreau quotes,
each followed by my feeble attempt to apply the quote to the
life of a road comedian. They are as follows:
"The way by which you may get money almost without
exception leads downward."
Sure, selling shirts after the show puts money in your
pocket, but it makes you feel like a schmuck. Even worse,
while you're busy peddling memorabilia, the other comics
are getting first crack at the hot new open micer chick
that wants help with her act.
______________________
"The really efficient laborer will be found not to
crowd his day with work, but will saunter to his task
surrounded by a wide halo of ease and leisure."
Schedule your tee time early enough so that you can take
a nap and still be at the club 1/2 hour before showtime.
______________________
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let
him step to the music which he hears, however measured
or far away."
If the guys you started open mics with are having more
success than you, buy a guitar and start doing song parodies.
______________________
"That man is the richest whose pleasures are the
cheapest."
Draft beer at the club is free for comedians. Mixed drinks,
wine, bottled beer is 2 bucks. Food half off. The Man Show
is free if the hotel has basic cable. Strip joints let the
comics in free. There, that just about covers it.
______________________
"If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to
my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I
should run for my life."
I don't tell you how to run your club, don't tell me how
to do my act.
______________________
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will
call life which is required to be exchanged for it,
immediately or in the long run."
The price on that new set of Ping golf clubs is equal to
the money earned doing 5 really bad one nighters. How bad
do you want them?
______________________
"What a man thinks of himself, that it is which
determines or rather indicates his fate."
If you think you're a hot snot comic, but you're really
not, you'll end up making an ass out of yourself on Who Wants
To Marry a Millionaire or something like that. So don't get
uppity.
______________________
"I have a great deal of company in the house, especially
in the morning when nobody calls."
Staying alone in a hotel room beats the hell out of
living with other comics in a condo.
______________________
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who
travels with another must wait till that other is ready,
and it may be a long time before they get off."
If the guy who's riding with you on the one nighter run
brings his girlfriend, hell, you'll never make the shows on time.
______________________
"Wherever a man goes, men will pursue him and paw him
with their dirty institutions, and, if they can, constrain
him to belong to their desperate odd-fellow society."
Don't go to parties with the guys who work in the comedy
club kitchen. If you must, drive your own car there, and
sneak out of the party when the kitchen guys start arguing
over who has the coolest beer bong.
______________________
"Speech is for the convenience of those who are hard
of hearing; but there are many fine things which we cannot
say if we have to shout."
If you yell a lot in your act, you're probably not very funny.
______________________
"The perch swallows the grub-worm, the pickerel swallows
the perch, and the fisherman swallows the pickerel; and so
all the chinks in the scale of being are filled."
Dude, you said "Chink!" You can forget about
that Conan O'Brian spot.
______________________
"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things
he can afford to let alone."
If you resist the urge to buy coke from the kitchen
stoner dudes, you'll have some money in your pocket
at the end of the week.
______________________
"Associate reverently, as much as you can, with
your loftiest thoughts."
While the other comics are watching "Jackass"
on MTV, you should go in your room and write some jokes.
______________________
"Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the
fit inheritance of generations and nations."
The dirty magazines at the condo are on the closet shelf
next to the broken iron. Don't steal them. Leave them
for others to enjoy.
______________________
"It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate
things."
Don't take a shitty one nighter if you don't have to.
It just puts miles on your car, and is not good for
your act or your disposition in general.
______________________
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me
truth."
Screw the truth. Give me a free bar and food tab at
the club. If I want the truth, I'll buy an Enquirer.
______________________
"There is an incessant influx of novelty into the
world, and yet we tolerate incredible dullness."
Alternative comics suck. Jimmy Kimmel is God!
______________________
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."
When doing corporate gigs, make sure you get the check
before you leave.
______________________
"Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it,
bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still."
Road comedy can be lonely. Do what you must to avoid
unsafe sex.
______________________
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy
to be looking for it."
If you're already on a popular sitcom, your chances of
getting on another one are pretty good, even if you suck.
______________________
"If one advances confidently in the direction of
his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has
imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in
common hours."
Dream your comedy dreams, but just in case things don't
pan out, be sure to buy some lottery tickets.
______________________
"However mean your life is, meet it and live it;
do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad
as you are. It looks poorest when you are the richest."
Sure your car looks like hell, but it's paid for, so don't
call it dirty names when it breaks down. It may just be
the battery.
______________________
"I sat at a table where were rich food and wine
in abundance, and obsequious attendance, but sincerity
and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the
inhospitable board."
I hate it when the clubowner invites the comics over
for dinner.
______________________
"If I shall sell both my forenoons and afternoons
to society, as most appear to do, I'm sure that, for me,
there would be nothing left worth living for."
If you have a full time job, you can't take a nap or
watch Jerry Springer.
______________________
"Live your life, do your work, then take your
hat."
Never tell a one night stand your real name.
______________________
"Let nothing come between you and the light."
And when you get the light, let nothing come between you
and getting off the stage.
______________________
"None are so old as those who have outlived
enthusiasm"
There are some bitter dudes hanging around the lobby
bar at the Melrose Improv.
______________________
"Water is the only drink for a wise man."
Drinks at the Melrose Improv are full price for the comics.
______________________
"The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend."
No, I can't get you into any clubs. Go do a guest set like
everybody else.
______________________
"We need only travel enough to give our intellects an
airing."
You should do a week in Iowa every year. After spending a
little time around those retards, you'll feel like Dennis Miller.
______________________
"There is no more fatal blunderer than he who consumes
the greater part of his life getting his living."
If you spend all your time driving to bad one nighters,
sooner or later, you're gonna fall asleep at the wheel
and kill yourself.
______________________
"Wealth is the ability to fully experience
life."
If you're ugly but on a sitcom, you can still get
laid, easy.
______________________
"We must walk consciously only part way toward
our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success."
After you've perfected 7 minutes at your local open mike
night, quit your job, leave your wife, and move to LA.
Hell no, you're not ready yet. It'll take ten years on
the road to be ready, but you're young, and young beats
ready every time in that town.
See ya on the road,
Kid Dave
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